Sometimes I feel frustrated with my monetary situation. I wonder how someone who managed to get a college degree, could have been so naive about money.
I want a genie in a magic lamp so I can wish away my consumer debt. A fairy godmother, that if I just slip on the right shoe, she will make my dreams come true.
I want my credit card statement to disappear into some dark abyss, to never appear again. I want the words “I can only make the minimum payment” not be so repetitious on my tongue and in my mind. I want my balance to be zero.
I’m tired of the frustration at not making the numbers on the calculator match the ones on the bank statement. I want to lash out at the younger me and say “Don’t be so stupid with your money”. I want to grab her and tell her to find other ways to deal with her sadness; don’t shop. Because let’s be honest here; the things I bought only masked the symptoms. They didn’t heal the pain. That brief feeling of a weight lifted, always fell back down with a resounding thud.
I want to walk into my favorite bookstore and not feel guilty as I gaze longingly at the hardcovers. As I linger over the newness of the books I wish I could afford to buy. As I remember that we have bills; bills that are bigger than us. Bills that threaten my happiness and try to steal my joy.
So I plug away at my goals of no consumer debt. I pinch pennies, nickels, any sort of monetary denomination that will get me out of the rabbit hole and into the light. But sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes my goals feel elusive. And sometimes…sometimes, I feel like I am waiting for an absolution that will never quite be within grasp.